What do you hear?
Listen. What do you hear? You might hear the hustle and bustle of the people around you. Maybe there is some polite conversation going on in the background, or perhaps your kids are screaming at each other at the top of their lungs (or, maybe you've learned to block out that noise.) If you are by yourself, you might hear the steady hum of your computer and, if you concentrate really hard, you may hear the soft buzz of the lights, the whir of a fan, or other extraneous noises we tend to block out as we go through our daily routines.
Now, when you block out all the external noises, what do you hear? You might be saying to yourself "Huh, what is this lady getting at?" Or, you might be anticipating what I'm going to say next, thinking with great certainty that you know what I'm getting at. This little voice inside your head is what I'm getting at. Some people don't like to acknowledge this inner monologue while others wish they could just get that voice to be quiet. Regardless of your relationship with your inner voice, we all have one and with good reason. This little voice helps you to do many things, including creating plans, solving problems, thinking critically, and reading in your head. However, when it comes to communicating with another person, this little voice that can be so helpful at other times can be your biggest distraction.
Divided attention
Have you ever had two people try to talk to you at the same time; each one so excited they couldn't wait for the other to finish? Did you have a hard time keeping the two stories straight? Did you eventually have to tell the two people to calm down and speak one at a time? If you've never had this happen, I'm sure you can imagine how confusing it could be. When you allow the little voice inside your head to carry on its monologue while someone is trying to speak to you, you end up in a similar situation The person who is speaking to you ends up having to compete with this invisible other for your attention and most often their message will suffer and you will not have a clear idea of what they are trying to communicate. Yes, this little voice, at other times so helpful, can be the biggest obstacle to your ability to listen.
YOUR INNER VOICE: FRIEND OR FOE?
Often people look for ways to improve their communication skills without recognizing that the most important key to communication is to be able to listen effectively. And listening means not just hearing the other persons words but also understanding what that person is saying to you, and you can't do that if you are thinking about what to have for supper, the new stereo you'd like to buy, what the person is going to say next, what you're going to say when you get the chance, your next rebuttal, or how you're going to prove the other person wrong.
We all have this tendency to let our minds wander. I'm not suggesting that you can turn off your inner voice completely. However, if you can become more aware of it, you can work on really understanding what others are saying to you.
EFFECTIVE LISTENING
Like so many of the skills that make a good relationship, listening is one that can be ever improved on. A strategy that can be helpful is paraphrasing what the other person is saying. One way to do this is to start with, “What I hear you saying is…” and then summarizing what you heard. During important conversations, this approach helps you to focus your attention so you know what information to summarize, while also providing the speaker with the opportunity to clarify anything you didn’t understand correctly.
If you work on becoming a better listener, your communication skills will improve, and so will your relationship with all those around you. So the next time you are having a conversation with someone, really listen to what they're trying to communicate to you. Hear what I'm saying?